by David Woodward
All couples, at some time or another, take strain in their relationship. Nothing can hide this universal fact. Recognising that there is, and never has been, a ‘perfect couple’, means that we can finally relax and get on with the job in hand of improving/restoring/maintaining our own individual partnership.
A key to a good relationship is what is commonly known as ‘Active Listening”. Based on the concept that, “Communication is not complete until both parties, or both people, feel understood”, it correctly highlights the crucial factor of being understood.
What we are not saying here, is that both parties have to agree with each other before communication is over. That will certainly not be the case most times. Rather, we are saying that when both parties fell understood by the other, communication will be tremendously enhanced. This is the case even when both “agree to disagree”.
How is ‘active listening’ achieved? By a process whereby each partner reflects back to the other what they think they are hearing - or what they perceive the other partner is saying.
What is to be reflected back is the facts - and also the feelings - of what was said. After the original speaker has heard them reflected back by the listener, the speaker can then ‘tweak’ the response to make sure the listener really did grasp the feelings and facts (or emotions and content) of what was originally communicated by the speaker.
Remember, at all times, that the aim is not to get the listener to necessarily agree with the speaker. This might not ever happen! The point of it all is to allow the speaker to get to that place where they feel they have been understood. We all know that feeling we get when we feel that someone finally understands us!
For example, Jim and Denise are having words about things going in the laundry. Denise: “I am very angry and upset that you never seem to unravel your dirty socks but just peel them off and stick them straight into the laundry all bunched up. And then, I end up unravelling them. I get so cross as I keep asking you and nothing I say seems to make any difference.”
Jim: “So you’re saying that you are really angry and upset with me because I don’t unravel my socks?” Denise: “Yes, you’re right about that. But also that I end up doing it.” Jim: “And you get upset because if I don’t do it, then in the end you do it.” Denise: “You’re right. I’ll do it in the end.”
In this example of active listening, the end result (which is what is desired) is that Denise feels understood. Jim may not agree with her (and may even selfishly forget to unravel his socks again) but Denise feels she has verbalized to him how she feels (appropriately) and has “got it off her chest”. She feels that Jim understands her.
If active listening is reciprocated by the other partner too, then obviously a good two-way means of communication has been established. Both parties will feel understood. That is the ideal. And then the concept that communication is not over until both parties feel that they are understood has been successfully achieved.
Note also the use of “I” messages (rather than “You” accusations) where Denise recognises and ‘owns’ that she feels angry, frustrated, cross and upset (regardless what Jim - or anybody else - has done to cause that). An “I” message is an acknowledgment that ultimately we have to be responsible for our own feelings and actions, regardless what anyone else has done to precipitate them.
And if Denise had just let rip at Jim with a “You” accusation, “You make me so upset because you never unravel your damn socks,” then he would, almost certainly, just get defensive. That wouldn’t be surprising - would any of us be different? Most likely he would just respond negatively and the argument would escalate.
Does all of this stuff about ‘active listening’ and “I” messages sound a load of theoretical claptrap? Then try it! Practice using ‘active listening’ with your partner by reflecting back to them the facts and feelings of what they are saying. it is not about being a parrot. It is about making sure that your partner feels understood because you have reflected back to them the content and emotions of what they are saying and feeling.
And if things go wrong and an argument breaks out? It is not too late to use ‘active listening’ and “I” messages after the event. When things have cooled down it is possible to recover ground, pick up the pieces and make amends. Better late than never - and it really will make a difference if your partner feels understood.
So there it is. Try it. And then try it again. And you will see that it works. And some of the tension, frustration and anger will drain from the relationship. And when you have tried it with your partner, then try it on the the boss, or the kids, the next door neighbour, the in-laws - in fact try it on anyone whom you would like to improve your communication skills with!
About the Author:
The author, David Woodward, is an experienced, qualified
counsellor in Kettering, Northants.UK. He provides
marriage guidance in Kettering, and offers the first consultation for FREE to help people assess whether counselling with him could be a good way forward for them. David is active in the local community, and donates one day a week of his time to voluntary work.
Motivation
active listening, art of listening, counselling, education, family, home, marriage, marriage counselling, marriage guidance, Motivation, psychology, relationships, self improvement, therapy